The Last Word: How to Fire a Bridesmaid

You’ve asked one of your best friends in the entire world to be a bridesmaid in your wedding only to discover, through the planning process of the wedding, that she mentally plays checkers with Satan. What happens when your best intentions and best wishes bite you in your sweet little heart? You’ve cried, whined, and screamed about her (and given her an Animal Planet-appropriate name, “FANGS”) to everyone, but what do you do? Easy -- you’ve got to fire a bridesmaid!

I know that seems rash or even harsh, but think about this -- you already know she’s crazy and it’s not going to get any better the closer you get to YOUR big day. So let’s deal with the real dilemma -- a REFUND. “FANGS” paid for the bridesmaid dress and, unfortunately, during the period that you briefly called off the wedding due to an unkind remark from your fiancé about you, the Buff Brides show and Shaquille O’Neal’s weight, you managed to inhale four gallons of Chunky Monkey ice-cream and viewed 16 episodes of The People’s Court featuring weddings and bridesmaids’ fiascos. So now what? Trust me, I have a solution...

First of all, since she’s crazy, she won’t be rational no matter what you do or say, so you must act in like manner. Here are three scenarios for you to ponder:

1. Tell her straight: You broke up with him and the wedding is off. Fake a hurtful, pitiful look and tell her to sell her dress on Ebay.

2. Have a specially-made invitation just for her with a wedding date three weeks after your wedding. This also buys you honeymoon time before she discovers anything. Oops, there is one problem with this -- she wouldn’t miss the wedding rehearsal even if it falls on her night to feed on small animals. Better pass on this one!

3. Break into her house and steal her bridesmaid dress and replace it with the same dress with an altered size tag that reads her size, but is actually two sizes smaller. On the day of your wedding, she can’t possibly wear the dress, so... you become the gracious loving bride and tell her that she’s not fat but big-boned like her uncle from the old country. Then have an usher walk her down the aisle to hang out with the great- grandparents who’ll ask her to repeat everything four times. This should get her out of the wedding and the reception with no problem.

Or, simply tell her (while running for your life): “Dr. Phil comes on after Oprah. You’re crazy and I’m not taking the trip with you. This is one of the most memorable times of my life and I have enough on my plate to deal with and I do not appreciate your behavior. You’ve been a good friend but a horrible bridesmaid and the payoff is not good enough for me to stay through your drama and potentially cloud this day.”

Now go enjoy your wedding!