How to Keep You and Your Mother Sane While Wedding Planning

So, to help everyone stay sane, I’ve compiled a short list of things you can do to help manage expectations – hers, yours, and anyone else not being paid to have an opinion – so that when you walk down the aisle, there will only be tears of joy. 

(Disclaimer: I’m not a licensed mental health therapist; however, like many wedding planners, I feel like I’ve played that role.)

Fact-Gathering

Even if this isn’t your first rodeo, as soon as possible and with your partner, have a conversation with someone impartial, maybe a professional wedding planner. Consider this conversation a fact-gathering opportunity to give you both a sense of the planning process ahead, so you can determine what you want, what you don’t, and what you’re flexible about, all before having “the talk.” 

Like every conversation you will have during the wedding-planning process, the more information you have going into it, the easier every conversation will be for you to maintain your sanity. And if you don’t have the information beforehand, that’s alright; just ask someone who will give you an honest answer.

The Talk 

Part One: Money

These days, who pays for what is never a given, and getting that awkward conversation out of the way upfront will help everyone move forward without any residual hard feelings. 

This conversation should be about money and only that. Stay calm and do your best to keep Mom focused on the task. There will be time to talk about everyone’s cousins and who, if anyone, gets a plus-one, but not during this particular conversation.

Part Two: The Guest List

Most parents will think they know who they want to be on the guest list. Of course, they’ll want to tell everyone before you’re ready to talk about the list. They are excited; it’s only natural. But once they tell that first cousin, the news spreads like an out-of-control wildfire. 

So, gently insist that all parental units wait before spreading the news until you and your partner figure out what kind of wedding you want and who you want there – not whom you have to, need to, or should invite because someone invited someone to a wedding sometime that had nothing to do with you or your partner. And if Mom says they’re paying for everything and therefore they can invite whoever they want... pretend your phone dropped the call.

Wedding Dress Shopping

Part One: For You

I recommend not taking your mother with you on your first trip to try on dresses. In fact, wait to tell her about it until you’ve done it once or twice. You need to trust me on this: your mom will have preconceived ideas of what you should or shouldn’t be wearing before you even walk into the boutique. She can’t help it because you will always be her little girl when she looks at you. Really. 

Instead, if your wedding planner doesn’t offer to take you, ask an ex. I’m kidding; ask someone you think has a great sense of style. Then try on as many dresses as possible, and no one will whisper, “Oh honey, you know that won’t look good on you, and remember you never liked showing your shoulders” in your ear. 

Also, wherever you go, listen to the people who work there because they see more brides-to-be than anyone you might know.

Part Two: For the Moms

If you can, take Mom to lunch to tell her about the gowns you want her to see on you, because, well, she’s your mom. Talk about what she will wear early on and brownie points if you guide your soon-to-be mother-in-law after you and your mother are on the same page. You don’t want her going rogue on you; she will appreciate the gesture. 

But remember, she’s not a bridesmaid, so she should have a dress that isn’t the same color or style as them. If fashion, fit, or finance is an issue, suggest your mother meet with a personal shopper or a fashion consultant.

The best advice I can give is to always be kind, even to those giving you their opinion that you’re not paying for.

This story was originally published in the Winter 2025 issue of Inside Weddings magazine. To order a copy of the Winter 2025 issue, visit our library of Inside Weddings back issues available for purchase. 

Opening photo by Ana & Jerome Photography; Planning & Design by David Pressman Events