Having a Friend Officiate Your Wedding: What You Need to Do

Some say that the television show Friends popularized this idea, as Joey (Matt LeBlanc) led the wedding of Monica (Courteney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry), but regardless of the trend’s beginnings, it seems to be here to stay. While having a friend officiate can make for a lovely ceremony, there are some things everyone needs to know – both for the legal aspect and to make sure you aren’t taking your friend for granted.

Photo by Mallory Dawn Photography; Planning & Design by Mindy Weiss Party Consultants; From Real Wedding: Outdoor Jewish Ceremony & Luxe Reception at Vibiana in Downtown LA

Make Sure It's Allowed

First things first, you need to look up the local laws to see if you are able to have an officiant that was ordained on the Internet. In some locations, your friend also may need to register in person. Before asking your friend to officiate, be clear on the rules in your state to ensure they can legally marry you.

Consider the Courthouse

If your state makes it difficult to use a lay officiant, consider if you’re willing to have a quick, legal marriage at city hall to ensure you are legally married, and then a ceremonial vow exchange on your wedding day. This could be a good work-around!

Help with Research

Work together to find a website or organization that you, your future spouse, and your prospective officiant are all comfortable being associated with. Don’t leave all of the research to your friend or family member!

Additionally, ensure that your officiant understands the process of filing the marriage license at the county clerk's office to make the marriage legally binding.

Ask in Advance

Give plenty of notice when you ask your friend for the honor, as getting licensed can take time. You should ask about the same time you ask people to be members of your wedding party. Don’t put any pressure on them to say yes – remember that some people are very uncomfortable with public speaking or may not want the responsibility.

Cover the Cost

Be sure to pay any fees your friend may incur while getting ordained. They are doing you an honor and a favor; it should inconvenience them as minimally as possible. Remember, officiants who perform weddings take on significant responsibilities, and covering their costs is a kind way to show your appreciation.

Choosing the Right Person to Officiate

Choosing the right person to officiate your wedding ceremony is a crucial decision that can make a significant difference in the overall experience. Here are some factors to consider when selecting the right person for the job:

Consider a Trusted Friend or Family Member

Having a trusted friend or family member officiate your wedding can add a personal touch to the ceremony. They can bring a unique perspective and understanding of your relationship, making the ceremony more meaningful and intimate. However, it’s essential to ensure that they are comfortable with public speaking and can handle the responsibility of officiating a wedding. A friend or family member who knows you well can make the ceremony feel more personal and heartfelt, creating a memorable experience for everyone involved – but make the decision carefully to ensure a seamless experience.

Ensure They Are Comfortable with Public Speaking

Public speaking can be a daunting task for many people, and officiating a wedding is no exception. Make sure that the person you choose to officiate your wedding is comfortable speaking in front of an audience and can convey your message effectively. You may want to ask them to rehearse the ceremony with you beforehand to ensure they feel confident and prepared. This will help them deliver the ceremony smoothly and with the right emotional tone, making your wedding day even more special – without any hiccups.

Discuss Their Role and Responsibilities Well Ahead of Time

Before asking someone to officiate your wedding, it’s essential to discuss their role and responsibilities with them. Make sure they understand what is expected of them and what they need to do to ensure that the ceremony is conducted smoothly. This includes understanding the legal requirements for officiating a wedding in your state and ensuring that the marriage license is properly filed after the "I dos." Clear communication will help avoid any misunderstandings and ensure that your wedding ceremony goes off without a hitch.

Write the Script

Decide whether your friend will be writing the ceremony themselves, if you and your future spouse will write it, or if the three of you will work on it together. Don't forget to make sure the service covers all of your bases legally.

Don't Forget the Marriage License

Your officiant will need to complete your marriage license and send it in on time to ensure you are legally married. Make sure you choose someone responsible enough to do this, or find out if it’s still legal if you send in the license yourself.

Be Thankful

Give a nice gift, at least comparable to what the bridal party receives. This is no easy task you've asked your friend to partake in, and it's important to show your appreciation.

Have a Plan B

You should probably have a backup in place as well. If a professional officiant gets sick or is otherwise unable to attend, they likely have someone they can call to send in their stead. This is not the case for your friend or family member.

For more advice, learn how to write your own marriage vows, find out what you need to know about eloping, and get tips for planning an intercultural wedding

Opening photo by M. Hart Photography; Planning and Design by Tessa Lyn Events. See the full real wedding here: Outdoor "Modern Tuscan" Wedding at a Private Ranch in California